The right to be heard does not...

The right to be heard does not imply the right to be taken seriously.

I had the right to remain silent...

I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability.

High blood pressure, high cholesterol...

High blood pressure, high cholesterol, high anxiety, high blood sugar… getting high is no fun at all at my age.

Grandma complained no one ever calls, so...

Grandma complained no one ever calls, so I put a “How’s My Driving?” bumper sticker on her car. The phone pretty much rings off the hook now.

Just had my one-millionth apathetic thought...

Milestone: just had my one-millionth apathetic thought. I guess that’s something to be proud of, but… meh

The right to be heard does not...

The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.

Sent out an e-mail in response to a job opening...

Sent out an e-mail in response to a job opening. I accidentally ended the e-mail with "retards" instead of "regards". FML

If you only see one movie this year…

If you only see one movie this year… you should get out more.

There are two types of people in this world...

There are two types of people in this world: those who know how to handle stress, and those who need bail money.

Smile, it’s the second...

Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.

If someone calls you a freak just...

If someone calls you a freak just thank them. Nothing throws people off like a proud, polite freak.

It’s not drinking alone if...

It’s not drinking alone if there’s a mirror in the room, right?

When you are arguing with an idiot...

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure they're not doing the same thing.

To the Women that need to remove the inch...

to the Women that need to remove the inch of make-up off of their faces. Men are attracted to women; not clowns.

I'm fluent in three languages...

I'm fluent in three languages: English, sarcasm and profanity.

Why do people who know the least...

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

The main reason Santa is so jolly...

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I wanna be with him more than an electron...

I wanna be with him more than an electron wants to attach to a proton.

Women fall in love with what they hear. Men...

Women fall in love with what they hear. Men fall in love with what they see. That’s why women put make up and men lie.

If all the world's a stage, I want...

If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.

Kissed too many frogs...

Kissed too many frogs and I've yet to find a prince!

I don't think you're beautiful...

I don't think you're beautiful, I think you're beyond it

Roses are red, Violets are blue, who...

Roses are red, Violets are blue, who needs a boy? I got a new pair of shoes!!!

The battery level on my phone...

The battery level on my phone pretty much dictates my life.