The only B-word a girl should...

The only B-word a girl should ever be called is "Beautiful."  B*****s love that!

What do you call a Mexican riding...

What do you call a Mexican riding a bike? Wow. You guys are so racist. He's a bike rider... on a bike he probably stole.

How do you tell a friend their breath stinks...

How do you tell a friend their breath stinks without being rude? "I'm bored, let's brush our teeth!"

Isn't having a smoking section at...

Isn't having a smoking section at a restaurant the same as having a "pee" section in the pool?

Just tried the "throw back" Pepsi with...

Just tried the "throw back" Pepsi with real sugar. Now, where can I find "throw back" Coca Cola with real cocaine.

I want to go to Taco Bell and...

I want to go to Taco Bell and throw in random adjectives to see if they notice. "I'll have the Cheesy Double Sweaty Burrito."

If people that drink it...

If people that drink it are any indication, diet coke does not work.

Remember when you go home tonight...

Remember when you go home tonight at 2 with your 10, you might wake up at 10 with a 2.

If my kids ever ask why I'm wearing sunglasses...

If one day my kids ever ask why I'm wearing sunglasses in the house, imma spike their morning OJ with vodka so we're all on the same page.

I texted my friend asking who sang...

I texted my friend asking who sang "Party Rock Anthem"? She replied "LMFAO". I don't get what's so damn funny?

CNN says I can follow them on...

CNN says I can follow them on Twitter. Can't I follow CNN on CNN?

There are 3 levels of pain...

There are 3 levels of pain:
1) pain
2) excruciating pain
3) stepping on a Lego

Woke up so hungry I...

Woke up so hungry I could eat my own cooking.

Thank you hand sanitizer for...

Thank you hand sanitizer for helping me find all the little paper cuts I did not know about on my hands.

I was nice to the weird kid once...

I was nice to the weird kid once, then BOOM! Stalked for life...

For men who think a women's place is...

For men who think a women's place is in the kitchen, remember, that's where the knives are kept.

Remember when Disney used to produce...

Remember when Disney used to produce cartoons, not teen sluts?

I’m not fat...

I’m not fat, I’m harder to kidnap!

The next time a man asks me for some breast...

The next time a man asks me for some breast, thighs or legs, imma send him to KFC.

God has no Phone, but I talk to Him...

God has no Phone, but I talk to Him. He has no Facebook, but He is still my friend. He does not have a Twitter, but I still follow Him

To all the b****es in the world...

To all the b****es in the world: Please don't ever change. I always want to be better than you.

Children in the dark make accidents...

Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.

I typed something into Google on my phone...

I typed something into Google on my phone then held it to my ear. I felt stupid at first, but now I'm kinda mad that it doesn't work.

If Youtube, Twitter and Facebook combined...

If Youtube, Twitter and Facebook combined, I vote we call it YouTwitFace.

If you honk at me because...

If you honk at me because I made a complete stop at a stop sign, I'm the b**** who will stop and update her Facebook while you wait!

Girls aren't friends with other girls...

Girls aren't friends with other girls. They are just future enemies

A smoker can "step out for a smoke"...

A smoker can "step out for a smoke" every 20 minutes, but I say "I'm going to step outside and just stand there," and I'm the bad employee.

When a guy whistles at me...

When a guy whistles at me I don't respond. I'm a damn lady, not a dog!

When I was a kid, the swear jar...

When I was a kid, the swear jar at my house was always empty because my sister was a damn f***ing thief.

If we all go to prison for downloading...

If someday we all go to prison for downloading music, I just really hope they segregate us by genre

Remember when Disney used to produce...

Remember when Disney used to produce cartoons, not teen sluts?

What if Deja Vu meant...

What if Deja Vu meant you lost a life, and you're just starting back at your last checkpoint?

The word beautiful...

The word beautiful does not include the size 0.

The next time a man asks me for some breast...

The next time a man asks me for some breast, thighs or legs, imma send him to KFC.

I hate to brag but...

I hate to brag but I just made lunch without posting it to Pinterest first.

Hate when it's late at night...

Hate when it's late at night, I'm all alone in my dark room, and my brain is like, "You know what you haven't thought about in a while?  Monsters."

I love using big words...

I love using big words to sound smart . I mean, utilizing gargantuan idioms to fabricate intelligence.

If you're happy and you know it...

If you're happy and you know it, share your meds!

I know my waiter doesn't like me...

I know my waiter doesn't like me when I get served food without extra cheese.

Someone called me ma'am today...

Someone called me ma'am today and all of my books turned to large print!

My ex? Oh yeah, I'd hit that...

My ex? Oh yeah, I'd hit that ...with a bus.

I want my last words...

I want my last words before I die to be 'Oh, shiny red button!'

I'm not a Meteorologist but...

I'm not a Meteorologist but, I think it's supposed to rain now.   I just washed my car.

Ever get the feeling someone is watching...

Ever get the feeling someone is watching you?  'Cause if it's bothering you, I'll stop.

I always carry a knife on me...

I always carry a knife on me. Just in case someone has cake.

I'm not everyone's cup of tea...

I'm not everyone's cup of tea. That's okay, I'd rather be someones shot of tequila anyway.

It's not that I don't like the Olympics...

It's not that I don't like the Olympics but what really impresses me is people who sleep with their cell phones in other rooms.

What man doesn't like a girl...

What man doesn't like a girl who can wipe rib sauce off her face?

You're 15...

You're 15 you should be feeling butterflies, not babies kicking.

Having dinner with my phone...

Having dinner with my phone... and some people.

Sometimes the best form of birth control...

Sometimes the best form of birth control is good lighting.

Nothing says "I'm single" like...

Nothing says "I'm single" like a string cheese wrapper in the bathroom trash can.

The trick to falling asleep...

The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that's not a risk I'm willing to take.

Like, 70% of my Google search history...

Like, 70% of my Google search history is just words I didn't know how to spell. How embarrassing. Yes, I Googled embarrassing.

If you're not happy single...

If you're not happy single you won't be happy taken. Happiness comes from within not from men.

I was undressing a man with my eyes...

I was undressing a man with my eyes but my eyelid got caught in the zipper.

The heat index...

The heat index is somewhere between omg and wtf!

Men who care about the covers being stolen...

Men who care about the covers being stolen fail to utilize the warm body next to them properly.

I've never even come close...

I've never even come close to having someone at "Hello".

If you can read this...

If you can read this, I'm not impressed.  Most people can read.

I will step on a persons fingers...

I will step on a persons fingers to get to my computer to thumbs down a bad song on Pandora.

My grandma warned me...

My grandma warned me that boys only want one thing from me; so I hid my Playstation 3.

My brain keeps singing...

My brain keeps singing songs I don't even like.

Having a "20 items or less" express lane...

Having a "20 items or less" express lane at Wal-Mart is pointless when your customers don't know how to count.

I still think 1990...

I still think 1990 was only 10 years ago.

Cheez-Its are hands down the BEST...

Cheez-Its are hands down the BEST cheese flavored pronouns!

I didn't drunk text you...

I didn't drunk text you last night. Vodka did.