I love when couples get sick...

I love when couples get sick together because that’s what people deserve for being happy.

How long do you have to be ignorant...

How long do you have to be ignorant before you start experiencing bliss?

Adding "and shit" to the end of sentences...

Adding "and shit" to the end of sentences makes everything cooler.  For example, "I like blowing bubbles and shit."

They say playing video games is a waste of time...

They say playing video games is a waste of time, but I credit tetris for the speed and agility I display when bagging my own groceries.

One simply does not drive...

One simply does not drive home from mcdonald's without eating any fries!

There are a ton of girls uploading naked pictures...

There are a ton of girls uploading naked pictures of themselves.  How about uploading a diploma, bitch? - Kat Williams

Why thank you, sir. I was totally unaware of my nice ass. How kind of you to risk your safety by yelling it out of the car window.

He said his last girlfriend was the craziest bitch ever! Challenged accepted.

I relate to your inability to relate to people. Lets talk about hanging out and never follow through.

I can't afford to go on vacation, so tonight and tomorrow I will drink until I forget where I am. :)

Better to lose a lover than to love a loser.

If you're a man that can't cook, your stock value just went down.

Confidence? Oh yeah I've heard of that. It comes in a bottle and you have to be 21 to buy it.

Don't play hard to get, play hard to forget.

Good choices come from experience, and experience comes from bad choices. - Gary McMahan

You mean, "booty call" isn't the same as butt dialing?

Wow. If I squint through the tears, I look pretty thin!

Cuddling. I like that shit.

I wouldn't need a doctor if Web MD gave out prescriptions.

I'm a good girl with bad habits.

Don’t save a spot for someone who won’t make an effort to stay.

I'm so good at cooking, even the...

I'm so good at cooking, even the smoke alarm is cheering me on!

Why do I have to press "1" for English when...

Why do I have to press "1" for English when you are just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Happiness is warm socks straight from the dryer.